Together Again

Yesterday we had a magical moment in the NICU. Our fabulous nurse, Monica, helped put August and Finley together for the first time since birth.

As I sat in a rocking chair with a sleeping Finley, she moved August out of his incubator, stretched all the wires attached to him as far as they could go, and placed him in my arms next to Fin.

It was overwhelming and so cool for me, but the boys did not appear to share my enthusiasm. Fin remained completely asleep. August looked around a little – mostly in the opposite direction of his brother – and soon fell into a deep sleep, too.

I guess that's a good lesson of parenthood to learn early: the kids will be their own people, not who I expect them to be.

Once I was holding both boys I felt such joy, along with a slice of panic. (I think you can see the panic on my face here -- smiling a little too hard.) My mind raced. How will I handle these two little beings when I don't have a team of trained NICU nurses to help me? How would I even lift them both up and support their fragile little heads? What if there was an earthquake at that very moment and I had to throw myself on top of them to protect them – could I do it without crushing them? Yes, I take my anxiety to disaster-level scenarios, thankyouverymuch.

I asked Monica if she would come home with me and the kids once they are released from the hospital. She laughed. And said no. She said all NICU parents ask that same question. At least I'm not alone.

For now though, I'm trying not to get ahead of myself and to meet immediate goals -- keep pumping, produce more milk, sleep occasionally and remain semi-sane – which is all hard enough.