My So Called Life

Since giving birth, I have missed out on a lot of things.

For instance, I haven't seen the last Harry Potter movie. I think I am the only person in the world who doesn't know who wins -– Harry or Voldemort. I may never know (but please don't tell me!). I'm going to miss a fabulous party in Palm Springs this weekend. For months I haven't been to the gym or a store that sells anything other than diapers or groceries. I have missed birthday parties and barbecues. Hell, I have missed this entire summer.

But, here's the crazy thing: I don't care.

I feel like I shouldn't be enjoying life as a mom yet because right now parenthood consists of cleaning up crap, doing laundry, washing bottles, being screamed at by tiny humans, having an aching back, getting little sleep and essentially being a prisoner in my own home. You know what, though, I totally love it.

August and Finley, to me, are the most divine creatures ever to be made. When I had my first "conversation" with August as he learned to coo, it felt like witnessing a miracle. When Finley smiles at me with his huge gummy grin, it's so much better than Harry Potter. Watching them kick their legs in absolute delight at the stuffed octopus that plays an annoying tune is worth missing a million brunches.

That's not to say that I love motherhood every minute of every day. There are some very dark moments. There are times when Matt looks at me and I know we are both thinking, 'What the hell have we done?' We've done something irrevocable. We can't give these kids back. They are our responsibility for the next 18 years at least. That idea can stop my heart. How will we ever manage that emotionally, physically, financially? I can't go there.

But I can think about the daily sacrifices -– about how one year ago I was in Hawaii on vacation and now I'm lucky to go for a walk around the block. About how my hands are dry and cracked from washing dishes and poop stains. I feel seasick from fatigue. My stomach is fat. My old clothes don't fit. I don't know when I will ever see my friends again or break a sweat at a great aerobics class or savor blueberry pancakes during a leisurely brunch or sleep in past 6 a.m. It could be years. But so what.

Now I have what it took me years to even know I wanted: A home filled with love and noise and chaos and real hard, trying, amazing life.