Sweet and Sour

I lost my job. Not like I can’t find it – I know where it is – I’m just not invited to go there anymore. It’s okay. I was ready to move on and they were downsizing.... Plus, I got a package. Otherwise, it would not be okay. I have two kids and those little dudes ain’t cheap.

Anyway, what has it meant for me as a mom not to work?

First of all, it’s such a relief in a million ways. Our whole family life is better. I’ve learned to make lasagna and quinoa with roasted veggies and delicious corn salad. I plan meals. I grocery shop. I take the garbage out. I pay bills. Matt doesn’t have to rush home from work.

But it’s also weird because we still have a nanny. The deal is I need a job. And when I get one, we will need a nanny. So, our fabulous nanny agreed to go part-time – four days a week – while I look for the next thing.

This way we save a bit of money. I have time to look for work and get a full weekday with August and Finley to myself. What more could I want, you ask? I’m living the high life: no job, a paycheck, a part-time nanny and personal time. I’m like an effing Housewife of Beverly Hills!

Still, it’s weird and sticky. Every morning when Flora arrives, I leave my kids and find something to do with myself. Of course, I have lots to do – interviews to attend, thank you letters to write, a resume to revise, phone calls to make, advice to ask, the unemployment office to visit (that was special), jobs to apply for, etc. etc.

All that stuff needs doing. But I do other things too: Go to the grocery store practically every day. Check Facebook. Get coffee. I waste time when time like this should not be wasted.

I beat myself up for not exercising until I have six-pack abs, not writing my long imagined book proposal and not being with my kids every waking moment. That’s the real ache. If I’m not working, shouldn’t I be with my kids all day, every day? Shouldn’t I maximize this time so that when I do go back to work I’ll have packed months of love and bonding and special time into their little minds and bodies?

To be clear: I do spend more time with them than when I had a job.  We have long leisurely mornings together with lots of eating, playing, reading and cuddling. I’m home when they wake up from their afternoon nap. I meet them for lunch or during outings sometimes. But I’m still letting someone else take care of them for a good chunk of the day. I feel like my boys' lives are like this picture above: a blur of color and motion that goes by so fast, I gasp and grasp at it hoping not to miss too much.

The guilt of not using my time wisely enough feels like a giant bag of sugar (one of those massive, professional bakery bags) sitting on my chest. I know this time is sweet but I feel guilty for not being judicious enough about its use.