Achy Breaky Heart

The crazy thing about impending motherhood is that it seems to be cracking my heart open. I used to think of myself as an open book, but the years have hardened me. I'm easy to know on a surface level, but getting to the ooey gooey center takes lots of time and work.

But pregnancy changes that – by force. Or by hormones. Now I cry almost daily. Matt sees it coming on and takes a deep breath to get through whatever the tears are about – worry over our babies' health, the death of Osama bin Laden and the memories it evoked, a kind word in a card written by a friend.

The thing that's really squeezing my heart is the kindness I've received from old friends, new friends and strangers. A woman I've never met sent me a "virtual bouquet" after I posted a note on my twins group web board revealing my babies will likely spend time in the NICU. My girlfriends from high school -- many of whom I see only every couple of years – have showered me in the kind of deep love and understanding that comes from 25 years of friendship. My husband's uncle and a pal's mother-in-law added me, Matt and the babies to the list of people they're praying for in their prayer groups. Yesterday, I received a massive box of baby hand-me-down clothes from my old roommate in NYC and an edible bouquet from a friend in L.A.!

There seems to be this club of motherhood that I never knew about. Other women feel deeply and profoundly what I am going through, the bed rest, the uncertainty about my babies' health, the overwhelming fear, joy and raw emotion that comes like waves.

It makes me reflect on how cavalier I've always been about birth and babies and parenthood before. I loved to give a cute onesie or a stuffed animal to friends who were expecting, but beyond that I didn't have much insight or empathy.

I wonder as I go forward, will my heart remain vulnerable and open or will it close back up as life moves forward with the real-life challenges of parenthood?