To Shower or Not to Shower?

I'm not referring to hygiene. I'm talking about a baby shower. I had one planned for last month in the Bay Area, but orders of bed rest put the kibosh on that. The shower went on with me, only requiring 10 minutes of Skype time from home. I was weirdly relieved not to go. I have gotten used to seeing few people, interacting over email and occasional phone calls. Suddenly, I'm nervous about the real life energy of people. Those pleasantries beamed over the Internet made me feel connected and loved while also preserving my solitary sensibilities

The next shower is supposed to happen at my house, so, if it happens, it will be difficult to avoid actual flesh and blood people – their hugs and smiles and energy pouring over me. And that freaks me out.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. As I have mentioned, I have been bowled over by the love, understanding and affection directed at me over the last six months. It's truly humbling and eye-opening. I'd honestly forgotten how kind the world can be.

My fear is about whether I can physically and mentally make it through three hours and 20 people at my house. In some ways I've always been a person who craves attention and yet feels itchy and uncomfortable in its glare. I never had trouble getting on a stage or speaking in front of groups. But when the attention feels more personal, I sometimes panic. Growing up, I hated opening presents at my own birthday parties because I realized that the gift was as much about the giver as the receiver. The price of getting a present is making sure you have the right reaction to it, that you are appropriately effusive and grateful and gracious, and that you make sure the person who gave it to you feels good, too.

So when guests show up to my house bearing gifts and good intentions, I simply must rise to the occasion -- make sure I am the right mixture of happy hostess and honored guest, that I give back the effusive energy of those who've made time in their busy schedules for me. Which takes energy. I have become accustomed to not putting out much effort for others. My effort is reserved for the babies. My effort is to rest and remain calm. So can I (and the floaties) afford to have that attention diverted away from them and to 20-odd people? Am I up to the emotional and physical challenge of matching the energy of those well-meaning friends?

I'll ask my doctor first. He's good at saying "no" when it's the best answer. If he says it's up to me, I'll ask my husband, my friends, my mom and myself. And we will see.