What Kind of Parent Will I Be?

I'm haunted by the fear that I'm going to be an inadequate parent.

There are things I am good at, but that list is far shorter than the list of stuff I don't get, never learned and will likely never know.

To be optimistic, let's start with the good stuff: I have big heart, a generous spirit, patience, a love of reading, a sense of adventure and an unquenchable appetite for new experiences and travel. I'm a good swimmer. I'm not afraid of things like climbing trees, heights, roller-coasters or riding a bike through Times Square. I've read a lot of Shakespeare. I can be funny. I like writing. I'm learning to garden. I know the names of several tropical flowers. I can drive a stick shift. I can (sort of) ski. I'm reliable and loyal. I'm a good friend, usually. I'll do things for friends like pick them up at the airport. I always bring wine or beer when I'm invited to a party.

As for the things I am not good at: I don't know much about history. I'm terrible at speaking French despite years of lessons as a teen. I've never run a marathon, gone skydiving or participated in a triathlon. I'm afraid of horses. I can't cook. I can't play an instrument. I never know what bands are hip. I'm not very tech savvy even though I've worked online for years. I don't volunteer. I watch too much TV and can't seem to do anything productive after dark. I eat croissants on the weekends. I don't like schmoozing or networking. I'm terrible at math. I can't paint or draw. I'm not good a crossword puzzles or trivia games. I'm not particularly fashionable. I lack discipline and often confidence, too.

Those last two things are what I worry about most. I want to give my boys a good example of how to be happy and to achieve remarkable things. I want them to believe in themselves and work hard. But how will I teach them those lessons if I haven't learned them myself? I've sworn a million times that I would work harder, do more, be more accomplished. Of course, there have been lots of times when I've been proud of myself, but I have put off many things I want to do, thinking someday I'll skydive or learn to cook or become a professional cyclist or write a book. In the past, I've made small efforts towards some of those goals. Yet, they remain on my list of things to do.

Well, I'm about to have two babies, which, from what I hear, takes up quite a lot of time and money and energy. I've had 30+ years to do what I wanted. Why is there still so much left undone? I don't want to relegate my life's list of goals to the backburner. And it's not because I'm selfish. The idea of having kids makes me want to be a better person. I want my kids to be proud of me. I hope I can give them that gift -- someday soon.